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this is pathetic. so pathetic that i can’t even make sense of it.

i thought about you yesterday, yet again. i thought about what i would say if or when i do see you again, what would you say, what would we say.. and try as i may to drama-tise everything, the sad truth is (because i know you well enough) we would exchange polite hellos, how-are-yous, hows-studies, hows-work and all that. and it hit me that you would tell me this:

i’m happy for you.

and as i rack my brain for a million scathing responses for that, as i think and think about how i would tell you that no, it’s not what you think, that’s not how it happened, you meant much more than you’ll ever know -

how am i supposed to do that?

i fell on my head yesterday. i wanted to tell you because i know you’d laugh and tell me something stupid. i remember you saying ‘how do you function on a daily basis without me walking beside you?’ after numerous almost-falling, tripping incidents whereby you would quickly look out and hold me, almost instinctively. too bad you couldn’t do that with my heart, instinctively.

i don’t know what i want. i am happy and loved.

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot 
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d

but i’d be happier if i could erase everything you gave me.

hello everyone i have 2 more exams to go! i finished two of the most important ones which went pretty ok! i think this was the first time since i’ve started pharmacy that i felt settled coming out of the exam hall so happy T____T usually after i finish a paper i’m like aiyah fuck this shit la i sure fail wan wtf. not this time (for the first two papers la wtf) though but im sure im gonna feel like crap after the last paper. fuck you toxicology wtf.

anyway i have something to say!

GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU HUH WHY CAN’T YOU GIVE ME A SHARP FACE! i know i’ve always said you didn’t exist (but that’s because your weird disciples whole life go and convert other ppl and disturb my sleep la come knocking at 10am asking me to go to their church on a THURSDAY MORNING) but i swear if i have a sharp face when i wake up tomorrow i’ll believe you do wtf. (plus a big undisclosed amount in my bank account wouldn’t hurt i promise i’ll use 10 percent to build a church)

oh and can you also please give audrey a job wtf (dont say i didn’t help!)

the thing is right, people keep telling me i’m not fat. and yes i do not deny that i can afford to put on 5 kilos (that doesn’t mean i want to wtf) and still look normal but if i don’t stay at 42kilos my face will be sooooo fat! that during winter due to the immense layering i’ll look like a pau ok =(( everywhere i go i see all this angmohs looking so thin but actually the tummy bursting out of their shirts JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A SLIM THIN FACE. fuck this shit la i already got the bad end of the bargain (short and boobless) now wanna give me fat face. what’s the use of having no tummy and very small thighs which can never become fat if i have a fat face? HAIHHHH

see what i mean with such a round face if i clip my hair up i look like a moon and this is without smiling ok and that is ben flexing his stupid muscles weirdo

see i have to block like half my face with so much hair

and my woes do not end here! yesterday i had a terrible terrible accident.

i was walking to the library (yes you heard me right but my life is very sad because after 8 months of being in uni i still do not own a student card WTF i am pure laziness) carrying a bag of sweets and snacks that ben brought while he was carrying my books. so i crossed the street leisurely when the green man blinked but my right foot kicked something! but no fear i was a former gymnast and i CAN regain my balance!

so i tried balancing without using my palms to cushion my fall (eh maybe i have the neurodegenerative disease that the 1000 litres tears girl had - ok la cuz i didn’t want to throw my bag down on the floor wtf)

a split second later…

my knee hit the road

followed by my arm

and…

MY HEAD OH GOD WHY AM I LIKE THIS

and i was wearing flip flops ok NOTHING LIKE THIS EVER HAPPENS TO ME when i’m wearing heels, no matter how high! and doesnt this prove that i’m not made for walking!

so now i have a super big bump on my head (at the back la wtf) which hurts even with a slight touch ok. even when i scratch my head it hurts T___________T i have a big bruise on my arm and knee despite wearing a thick-ish coat and jeans can u imagine how bad my fall was T.T

when i got back to the library ben was quite worried and wanted to bring me to the a&e department. i said nvm la just run a few tests on me ok what’s the use of studying so much medical shit if can’t even see if i got brain damage wtf so he took a lighter and lit it in front of my pupil wtf.

if i die tomorrow due to a blood clot ben will regret ok because he told me just now to save up my own money to go shopping in mayfair how can he shock a patient like this I’LL SHOW YOU YOU SQUARE JAWED KOREAN wtf.

aihhh enough gibberish la the end of my sad story. thing is i think if you know me in real life (not know well la wtf) you wouldn’t expect me to be such a klutz full of nonsense. but the sad truth is i am T____T what are all the gymnastics and ballet classes for if i can’t even cross a street properly T.T

ok la the end thanks for reading so much rubbish u know u love me xoxo gossip girl wtf (I LOVE CHUCK I WANNA HAVE HIS BABIES and i am abso mega lutely in love with blair waldorf)

edit: more pictures added

ok i’m having a law paper tomorrow and thank god i didn’t pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer wtf damn boring ok T____________T law of medicines wtf. sale and supply to registered nurses, midwives, practitioners BLABLABLA WTF DAMN BORING ALL THIS LAW JARGON

im blogging from the library semangat leh! wtf. so here are some pictures of my pretty dress

from the front

and the back with a tail thing which is longer than the front

some pictures from the night: sorry ah no big pics cuz dunno why my eyes one big one small HAIHHH why do things like that always happen to me on important dates! and also my face very white due to the very dim light in my room so i thought not enough foundation so i kept slathering layer after layer wtf.

during the ENTIRE night the string that is meant for my dress to be hung on a hanger wtf kept coming out! so like out of 10 pictures i have 9 with the stupid string showing. some more i dunno how to photoshop it away =(((

never am i going out with my hair off my face again. aiyah dunno why my face so white la it was 8pm and so damn bright ok not my fault T_______T sei aqua wtf.

sigh looking at the pictures just made me realize how weird i looked ok no more pictures T.T

ok la back to studying bye

im home now so i have access to all the pictures! last two:

sorry i look like cibai in the pic with min wtf

ahhahahah in the pic where me and jojo are kissing ben the thing on the table said wild about sides! so cool right wtf

ok la that’s all i promise you that i will not slather so much foundation on my face ever again *emo T_____________T

IT IS NOW SO HOT IN ENGLAND OK I WANNA GO HOMEEEEE cuz at least in malaysia i have air conditioning and a car ok T.T this is the first time i got armpit sweat wtf since i came to england haihhhh hello dove deodorant wtf

Because

because i am once again thin hohohohohohohohohoho wtf. ya la face still a bit round la but the only way my face ceases to be round is if i weigh less than 35 kg and i will lose whatever curves i have ok so not going to happen. aiyah let me book an appointment in korea to lipo my face and cut my eyelids la wtf.

trying on headdresses wtf. hahahaha the one with the tiny veil covering my face was quite cool ok i told jojo months ago that i wanted to get it! but where to wear la takkan hope for ppl to die so i can wear it to a funeral wtf.

in the park! oh how i’m rejoicing at the beautiful weather <333333 which became 8 degrees at night england u can go fuck off la. yesterday i went to the park and i damn action ok say no need jacket so i wore a flimsy cardigan and sat under the shade and went everywhere with an umbrella (yala i like the sun just not when it’s making me 10 shades darker) but bluff people wan 20 degrees but when the wind blows it becomes 10 wtf. so in the end i had to play basketball to keep myself warm haihhhhh. and when i say play basketball i mean attempt to shoot and scream when the ball comes near me. oh and due to the beautiful weather fucking my mind up i suggested playing the game monkey with ben and jojo(almost 5′10 and 5′6). guess how that went wtf.

paparazzi shot wtf. hahahahha we were going to act like celebrities and jojo was busy snapping a picture of me getting into the cab that she fell into a hedge HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. and she went like ’sigh now i truly know how difficult it is being a reporter’ wtf.

who wants to be godmother wtf. i bet if u stood in front of me u can see my pet pet!

anyway i’m going to study a bit and get ready for ben’s birthday dinner and drinks i’ve got on the most gorgeous dress, you’ll see! wtf. and i’ve got loads of videos surprising ben last night during his bday (which only had 4 people including him wtf) but censored wan la some wtf. and i dont want to show you guys la cuz i think me ben jojo and min sound very funny (ie me and jojo sound damn low class next to their stupid accents wtf).

DISCLAIMER: before anyone comments any further please note the timeline and you will figure out that i am not talking about who you think i’m talking about nor do i begrudge any relationship at this point of time which may or may not involve certain people. (hmm u’d think the word summer would give it away wtf)

it’s been 6 months since we last spoke. since that tearful goodbye, since you walked out that door and subsequently out of my life.

i still remember how it was like. how i didn’t - couldn’t - lift up my head when i told you what you knew i was gonna say however much the both of us didn’t want to hear it.

what was in your mind, really? i kept telling myself you didn’t deserve me and you knew that. i know how the days after passed by in a daze. how i was constantly in a foggy state of mind. how i was desperate for answers, for what-might-have-beens, for constant reassuring that i meant something. that the both of us did.

and i blamed it on timing. and distance. but five months on, i blame it on you.

we were good together. you knew that.

i heard how you met her the other day… and how it wasn’t all that significant. how she didn’t live up to what you thought you guys would be. i gloated, just a little. how could i not?

You were there for summer dreaming,
And you gave me what I need.

but occasionally, memories of you just attack me out of nowhere. like how i hurt myself in the lab the other day and had a plaster. and i remembered the time i had on painful shoes and we bought plasters. it’s ironic.. the plaster was meant to stop my finger from bleeding, not to unleash the pain i kept bottled up.

i know how it must seem like to you after all this time. he came along and it seemed like a good idea and 5 months on, i have to say that i don’t regret any bit of it.

but… if you only knew.

And I hope you’ll find your freedom,
For eternity, for eternity.

what i wore to the most boring party on earth

and i know u can’t really see my shoes here but a lot of people say damn nice ok a girl was like ‘omg she’s wearing the prettiest shoes ever i noticed them the minute she walked in’ *smug

after the most wasted two hours of my life when i could be at home studying 2 chapters of disease and the goals of treatment! (actually watching silver chamber of secrets and catch me now wtf i found this software called veohtv damn fast ok dl 200kb/s!!!!! azureus can go eat shit now wtf)
i was originally gonna wear this dress for ben’s bday but i bought another one online which is soooo pretty! and finally i can see my jawline again /boo

oh and i booked my air ticket back! tentatively i’ll be landing in kl at 5.25pm on the 7th of june! tentative la cuz if i don’t fail any subjects i might be coming home at the end of may fuck pharmacy la 70 percent passing mark T_______________T

OH GOD I JUST FOUND THE MOST HILARIOUS CLIP ON YOUTUBE

HAHAHAHAHA WHERE GOT PEOPLE SO PROUD TO BE RACISTS WAN HAHAHAHAAHAHHA i mean i am SLIGHTLY racist but at least i try to hide it!

‘negroes are beasts’ wtf

‘i do not like to play with black people’

‘the jews are definitely the seed of satan’ WTF

‘i will not have jewish friends because they are dishonest, they would steal stuff right out of your hands’ WTF

‘they should stay in their own part of the world.. *sigh* if they should be in this world’ - coming from a young girl!!!

‘it’s easier for me to exist if i just pretend that they don’t’ WTF

but so poor thing ok the little boy got knives and everything i swear he’s gonna grow up to be one of the greatest masterminds behind school shootings wtf. some more say he enjoys the swastika! HAHAHA AND THE MAN TELLING TYRA BANKS TO GO BACK TO AFRICA AND GOVERN PEOPLE WITH BONES IN THEIR NOSES AND PLATES IN THEIR LIPS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

oh god why do people like that exist? =( poor little children sigh parents like that should not be allowed to have children ok can u imagine those children going around spitting at blacks/asians in the playground? and saying that they don’t like people who are not white or christians..

come to think of it, don’t we already have so many people in malaysia disliking other people and forming their little cliques just because other people aren’t christians?

i think the most generic emo songs on earth are:

those were the days, my friend - mary hopkins

the humpty dumpty love song - travis

only one - yellowcard

friends forever - vitamin c

you could be happy - snow patrol

almost over you - sheena easton

truly madly deeply - savage garden

knife - rockwell wahhh this one damn emo wan ok wtf

my happiness - powderfinger

MUNGKIN NANTI - PETER PAN T_____________T

pills - the perishers

come out of the shade - the perishers

sway - the perishers

last kiss - pearl jam

wonderwall - oasis

i dont wanna get over you - norah jones and willie nelson (seriously the best emo song ok i listened to this everyday without fail for 3 months in the tube wtf)

inside of love - nada surf

cancer - my chemical romance

happy ending - mika (so emo that everytime i listen i quickly change cuz i wanna cry ady wtf)

love is just a game - the magic numbers

statue - low millions

宽容 - jeff chang

you belong to me

you and i both - jason mraz

i’m yours - jason mraz

such great heights - iron and wine

我也不想这样 - faye wong

hero - enrique inglesias

再爱我吧 - emil chau

the way you look tonight - elton john

lately - divine

i will follow you into the dark - death cab for cutie

stolen

linger

blower’s daughter

run

18th floor balcony - blue october

all beyond songs wtf

all bsb songs wtf

zheng fu by na ying

ok imma slit my throat now why do i have so much depressing music

told you my face is the epitome of roundness. now do you believe me!

ok i’m sorry i haven’t been updating frequently - i’ve been busy with my dispensing exams (which has a passing mark of 70 oh god i’ve not gotten 70 before for any uni subject which doesn’t require talking/writing an essay based on opinions and NOT pharmacy facts wtf so i dont know if i’m gonna pass this T______________T)

will update soon! on the bright side, england has been warming up. today i woke up sweating like a pig! and i wanted to go for a walk in the park yesterday until i looked at my shoes and decided none of my footwear would be suitable. and i’m currently going through a phase where anything which doesn’t have a 3 inch heel is not worth wearing. which i have to say isn’t easy on my feet….

oh and a convo with ben:

me: eh did you drink breast milk as a child?
ben: yeah, didn’t you?
me: huh?
ben: from your grandma!
me: *incredulous* WHAT? HUH?
ben: u know i thought you can drink it from your grandma
me: wtf go away la stupid ignorant cow wtf

sigh no point la wallet so nice no money inside wtf